24 years old

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 Hello.

I don't know what will this post about. Just rasa nak menaip while listen to sad songs. How am I doing right now? Just being a normal human. Kinda back to reality after being lived in fantasy for a long time. Being an adult now rasa macam tak percaya pulak. Struggled to find a job and a proper live. I remember how excited I am nak habis belajar after struggled teruk during that moments but lol baru sedar kehidupan ini tidak selalu indah. Dulu hadap laptop sambil nangis sebab buat fyp and assignments but now I am crying sebab job hunting. Tahap macam kalau nak give up pun, tak boleh because the live still got a long way to go. Bila meningkat dewasa ni, I imagined I will be more matured tapi sebenarnya tak. I can't control my emotions. Blaming myself almost all the time every single mistakes yang aku pernah buat. Yeah I learned from the mistakes to improve myself in the future but at the same time I can't move on with it. The fear keep surrounded me sampai rasa lemas. panic attack? getting worst huhu.



I am afraid to self love myself sebab nanti akan jadi overthinking and fikir yang aku ni seorang yang narcissistic. For example, when I successful to do some works and try to feel proud with myself, there will have negative thoughts yang akan cakap "why you want to feel proud sangat when everyone can do that kot?". The worst things sometime yang messed up my mind bila ada suara yang kata no one loves me. Your friends just nak berkawan dengan aku sebab simpati and I looks pitiful. I know my friends will not do that to me but I don't know my mind keep saying that. I feel sorry to my friends sebab ada fikiran macam ni. To be honest, I treasure them a lot. I really want to thanks them every single time sebab picked up the pieces of me yang dah berkecai before till now. 


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